Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Accomplishments, Fear & Hope

So, I completed my 30 Days of Thankful on Facebook today.  My closing gratitude was :


Today I am thankful for Strength. I'm not that physically strong, but I have a lot of internal strength that I need to be thankful for. Thank you, Jesus, for allowing me to draw my inner strength from You !! Psalm 73:26 
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (NIV)


I am so proud of myself for doing this every single day & for genuinely, truly being thankful.  And there are so many more things that I can & will be thankful for.  So, I'm not going to stop.  I'm going to keep going until the day comes when I either forget to do it, or I'm no longer thankful.  I just don't see the latter happening ...

I'm often proud of myself.  I'm proud of the accomplishments I've made despite the circumstances I have had to overcome.  I'm proud of the Christian I am & am becoming.  I'm proud of the parent I am & am becoming.  I'm proud of  myself for earning my BA, even though it took me forever.  I'm proud of my Facebook/Etsy shop.  I'm proud of how my Thirty-one business is SLOWLY but surely bopping along ... My dad used to tell me how proud he was of my ALL the time.  As a child, I would find myself pushing myself to the point of exhaustion & illness to be "the best." I was SO afraid of failure.  Failure was NOT an option.  At the time, I really thought it was me.  *I* wanted it.  I wanted it so badly that I would deprive myself of sleep & make myself sick to make it happen.  As an adult, I realize now that I just craved my parent's praises so badly, that I did it for them.  NOTHING feels better than for your parents to be proud of you.  I miss that ... 

So, I stopped reaching for the stars for a while. 

Now that my dad is gone, I find myself pushing myself like that again ... Obviously, not to gain his praises.  I do it with the expectation of "Dad would be SO proud of me for doing this if he were alive ..."  Something is different now, though.  I do things now with the knowledge that I'm learning, growing & hopefully making a difference in other people's lives somehow and not with the expectation of praise.  I try to do things with love or at least with caring. And if I can't feel like I accomplished those things or at the very least SOMETHING good at the end of the day about something, then I don't do it.  And if I did it right, I made at least one person smile or feel like they mean something to someone or give them something to hope for ... It's about the giving, not about the receiving, because not everyone is going to appreciate you & what you do for them.  As long as I know I did the right thing, though, that is gratification enough for me.  

So, I hope for the best when I attempt something new, cry when I fail, and then I shake it off, get up & keep on keeping on.  And when I feel like I don't have the strength to keep on going, I go back to what I am thankful for today :

Today I am thankful for Strength. I'm not that physically strong, but I have a lot of internal strength that I need to be thankful for. Thank you, Jesus, for allowing me to draw my inner strength from You !! Psalm 73:26 
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (NIV)

I know my Dad would be proud ....
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