Tuesday, November 10, 2009

It's Been A While ...

It's been a while since I last wrote a blog ... I don't even know if anyone reads these besides me, but I don't guess it matters since I am venting and making myself feel better ...

There a few reasons for my lack of writing, but mostly, I just have a lot going on. I run around most days, doing the exact same things, over and over. I feel like I'm in that movie 'Groundhog Day,' where the day keeps repeating over and over ... Dog peeing & pooping on the floor instead of his puppy pad, kids peeing & pooping all over themselves, feeding the kids, ATTEMPTING to get my MT schoolwork done, and the list goes on ... and I now find myself in some kind of never~ending "fog" that I can't seem to get myself out of.

The first 5 months of Tim's deployment were bearable. I was fine. I did my schoolwork, I graduated with my BBA, I went home to NC, the kids & I finished out the summer, Nicki went back to school ... but somewhere in the past 3 weeks, the pieces have slowly been unraveling and I can't seem to stop them! I feel like I'm drowning! My nerves are terrible! I feel like I can't breathe all the time, like I'm suffocating. I pray to God all day long to take this unbearable misery away, I rebuke the bad thoughts & feelings ... and they leave for a little bit. The devil is fighting me so hard, and I feel like I'm losing. HOW do I make this go away?! What do you do when you're fighting with everything you have inside and feel like you are simply beating your head against a brick wall over & over again, waiting for the blessed relief of unconsciousness, only to find that it is never going to come?!

I KNOW I am not the only person in the world having a hard time! Anyone trying to live a good life & be a Christian is living a hard life. What does that tell me?! That time of Jesus' coming is close & that the fight is only going to continue to get harder! So, I have to pull every bit of strength that I have deep down inside me and keep on keepin' on. I have to.

SO, I found these quotes tonight & I am going to keep reading them until I no longer feel like I am suffocating ~

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

I am going to pray & pray, even though I feel like I am all prayed out until the peace that passes all understanding fills me and I feel strong again.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

As I was getting ready to end this blog, I found the following while searching for bible verses & I believe it with ALL my heart & I KNOW God led me to this and he is going to get me through it:

"In these times of uncertainty, you may be feeling pressure from various sources. You want to know what you did to deserve the problems (financial, marital, health etc.) Well, the Lord wants you to know that these problems are not a punishment. He wants you to know though everything seems to indicate that your life is falling to pieces, don’t you believe it! Remember, that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purpose”. Hold on to your faith in the Lord. He will not allow you to fall. He hears your prayers and has already answered them. “Stand still and know that he is God”. “The protector of Israel never sleeps nor slumbers”. He is faithful, hold on. The manifestation of what has been released in the spirit is on the way. Though it is the enemy’s job to make you tired to the point of giving up, don’t you do it! ... Praise Lord, my brothers and sisters! Praise him in the midst of the trial. Be strong not in your own strength, but in the strength of Jesus, who has endured all for you and I. So, be encouraged and know that the Lord sees your trials, has heard your prayers and has released his grace, deliverance and favor upon your life. You're not suffering for past sins (the devil is a liar) God has forgiven you. Your current delimma is just a trial, permitted by the Lord to draw you closer to him. So, lean on the Lord, friend, and know all is well. Keep your mind on him and he will keep you in perfect peace. As a believer, I bind the spirit of anxiety, condemnation and doubt. I loose an increase in your faith, I loose the peace of Christ in your life this day in Jesus name. Remember the Lord loves you very much and he knows exactly what you're dealing with and has declared his divine peace and favor to be upon you. Now accept and live this day in it. In Jesus name."

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