Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I'd Done A Lot Of Things Different.....

It's been almost 3 1/2 weeks since my daddy died, and I still feel as though I am living in some sort of altered reality! I know it is going to get worse before it gets better. I know that when the fact that my daddy is gone truly sets in, I am going to break down and maybe even lose it for a little while. I know that's normal. I know there is a natural grieving process and that everyone handles it differently. I want to help my family grieve. I think we all want to help each other. I want to, but I am having a hard enough time trying to grieve all by myself. I've always been one of the strong ones. It is not in my nature to give up or let myself stay down for long. That is why my battle with depression and anxiety angers me so much! It keeps me from being in control, and those who know me can tell you, I do NOT like not being in control.

I didn't think I was going to feel the angry emotion. I am NOT angry with God for taking my daddy! He had a purpose for taking him. I know that. God needed him for something bigger than I will ever understand. Or maybe God just didn't want one of His children to suffer any longer. But I AM angry sometimes ~ the selfish part of me that almost goes to pick up the phone to call my daddy just to remember that he isn't there to call. I can't bring myself to delete his cell phone number from my address book in my cell phone. To delete that number would be to accept that he is gone, and I can't do that yet.

We played this song at my father's funeral. It was one of three songs that we thought he would have wanted:

I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain

Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve
I wish I could see the angels faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing

Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son

And this song.....Well, sometimes, I tell myself that I wouldn't change anything in my life because those things have made me who I am. But you know what?! I WOULD have done some things different if I had known ahead of time that my daddy was going to die so soon!

I’d spent a lot more time out in the pouring rain without an umbrella
Covering my head
And I’d stood up to that bully when he pushed and called me names
But I was too afraid
And I’d gone on and saw Elvis that night he came to town
Mama said I couldn't
And I'd went skinny dipping with Jenny Carson that time she dared me to
But I didn't
Oh I, I’d done a lot of things different
I wish I’d spent more time with my dad when he was alive Now I don't have the chance
And I wish I'd told my brother how much I loved him before he went off to war
But I just shook his hand
I wish I’d gone to church on Sunday morning when my grandma begged me to
But I was afraid of God
I wish I would of listened when they said boy you're gonna wish you hadn't
But I wouldn't
Oh I, I’d done a lot of things different

People say they wouldn't change a thing
Even if they could
Oh but I would

There was this red dress she wanted one time so bad she could taste it
I shoulda bought it, but I didn't
She wanted to paint our bedroom yellow and trim it in blues and greens
But I wouldn't let her, it wouldn't of hurt nothing
She loved, to be held and kissed and touched
But I didn't do it, not nearly enough
And If I’d had known that dance was gonna be our last dance
I'd asked that band to play on and on, on and on
Oh I, I’d done a lot of things different

People say they wouldn't change a thing
Even if they could
Oh but I would, ooh

Oh I, I’d done a lot of things different
Oh I, I’d done a lot of things

I think we'd all do a lot of things different.

My sister, Robyn, wrote a blog today that broke my heart.....On one hand, it broke my heart because I am not physically there for her. On the other hand, it broke my heart because I feel the EXACT same things she is feeling. This was my reply to her:

Robyn.....I am right there with you wondering....What if? What if we HAD allowed the doctors to rescusitate Daddy?! But we both know the answer to this question. Daddy wouldn't have wanted to live that way...hooked up to life support indefintely...He was SO tired of hurting! I know what you mean about not wanting to start crying because you might not stop. I miss Daddy SO much, and you know what? We ALWAYS will! Not a day will go by that we won't think of him. You ALSO know that God doesn't make mistakes. It was Daddy's time to go. Nothing that we decided, and nothing that those doctors did was going to change God's plans for Daddy! So, what we have to do, is realize that Daddy is home with God and the angels and he isn't sad or crying or hurting. He is dancing on the streets of gold and praising God that his neck no longer hurts and his head no longer hurts and he's not throwing up blood anymore! And he's watching over us in Heaven with MeMa and praying for us every second. Because you know what Daddy wants now?! He wants each and every one of us to join them in Heaven one day! We will grieve because we are Human, and that is what Humans do! But every time I feel sad, I remind myself that my daddy isn't sad anymore! I take comfort in that! You can, too! I LOVE YOU!

Yet as I tell her I TRULY believe what I am saying?! YES, I do! Maybe not EVERY second of every day, but I DO believe it! Sometimes, when I am at my lowest, I drop to my knees and BEG for a sign from my MeMa that everything is going to be okay, that I am going to get through whatever it is that I am upset about.....For those of you that don't know....My MeMa came to me in a dream a few years back when I was going through a HORRIBLE time in my life, and told me that everything was going to be all right. And when I woke up, I KNEW it was going to be all right. I felt that way when she was alive. If she told me something was going to be all right, I believed it ~ NO QUESTIONS ASKED! So, why do I have such a hard time believing now that she & my daddy are gone?! It's because I am Human, and I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself that GOD IS IN CONTROL! Also, it's because I am still grieving for them both! I WANT them to be here with me, to hold me when I'm sad, to pray for me when I don't know what to do...But they ARE praying for me! The body might be gone, but the soul IS NOT!

We NEVER, NEVER know when someone is going to be taken from us! There is not enough time for people to behave childishly and try to bring other people down. We should be praying for each other, show genuine concern for each other, and love each other. If we can't do that, then we shouldn't be in that person's life. You need to let the people you love KNOW you love them every single day! Even if someone is a stranger, sometimes just giving them a smile as you pass them by may make all the world in their lives!! I am so grateful that my daddy knew how much I loved him & that I was coming as fast as I could to be with him before he died. It was NOT expected! He had been in poor health for years, be we never in a million years thought that he was sick to the point that he would be taken from us so soon! I know that God has a plan for us all even when we cannot understand it! So, take heart in that! Hold tight to God and you let those that cannot take you for who you are and are there to only cause issue in your life go! Life is too short!
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