Saturday, January 31, 2009

Latest update on my daddy...

The doctors are saying that the chance of my dad making it at this point are slim. His body is in shock from a blood infection, and his heart is now failing. The stomach doctor came in to talk to my sister, Heather, after an ultrasound, and he told her that at this point the only way he could find out what is wrong with his stomach (ie. the vomiting and bleeding) was to open him up and do exploratory surgery. However, he said he would not make it through the surgery. He also said that my dad would most likely NOT make it through dialysis for his kidney failure either. His other doctor told my sister that they were pumping him full of antibiotics, and that all they could do was hope they would get rid of the infection and/or keep another infection from setting in. My sister signed the release form to begin the dialysis, because without it, my dad will die anyway. So, that is all I know at this point. Siting here, waiting for news and hoping & praying that he at least holds on until I can get there, is killing me. I am trying to keep busy by packing, taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, doing my homework, etc. But it is always there in the back of my mind!

My flight leaves out of Denver tomorrow morning @ 7:10. I have a layover in ATL and then I arrive in RDU at 2:35 PM. Tim called American a little while ago to try to get me switched to a flight out today but they didn't have anything.

Continued prayers would be greatly appreciated! I am trying to have faith that no matter what happens it is God's will and if my dad leaves this Earth before I get there, then it was his time to go. But how do you cope with that? How do you comprehend it? How do you keep going?!

Anyway, I will update you all as soon as I know more!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Update on my daddy....

I got a phone call from my mother this afternoon, asking me if I had heard from my sister, Heather. I told her no, I hadn't, and then she said...There's nothing to get upset about!

Okay, when someone starts out a conversation with, "There's nothing to get upset about!" then you automatically can assume that something upsetting is about to come out of their mouth! I wasn't disappointed!

My father had been throwing up since the weekend. He has been throwing up off and on for months. We all thought that perhaps he was having some kind of reaction to his meds. Well, my sister, Heather was worried because he told her he couldn't drink anything and she was worried about him getting dehydrated. So, she told him that she thought he should go to the hospital. Surprisingly, he agreed. He started talking out of his head, so she called my mom and had her listen to him talking. My mom told her that she needed to get him to the hospital immediately. So, Heather called 911 and the ambulance came and got him and took him to Wake Med ~ North, which is in Raleigh, North Carolina. They admitted him to the ER and gave him an IV for dehydration. I don't know all the details since I am not there, but this is what my sister, Robyn told me:

The doctors put a tube that goes to his stomach to suction the contents out. Unfortunately, it's blood that is being emptied. Which means he's bleeding from somewhere and they aren't sure where... but it's been bleeding for weeks. His blood pressure continues to drop, his liver and kidneys are not functioning correctly.
They're putting him in the ICU.

So, he is now in the ICU at Wake Med (different hospital near downtown because they think he has an ulcer and wanted him somewhere with better care). They continue to pump meds into him to get his BP up! It is stable, but still not where they want it. He has a tube in his let that is putting blood and clotting agents back into his body. He lost a large amount of blood, so the doctors are having to replace it. They also gave him some medication to make him sleep. He was cracking a few jokes before my sisters left, which made them feel a lot better because he sounded more like his old self and not some crazy person out of his mind...

For me...yes, I am relieved that for the moment he is okay. However, my worst fear imaginable came true today. It is gut-wrenching for me to be 1,700 miles away from my family and not be able to be there for my daddy, and to have to wait for bits & pieces of information and I am going out of my mind. It's not fair! This is just not fair! Tim's dad was okay, too, and Tim was on his way to see him & be with him, and then he was gone! That CANNOT happen to me! I am praying & asking God to please keep me strong and keep those kind of thoughts out of my head. I am still very sick with bronchitis and trying to take care of my babies by myself and I can't deal with much more!

So, please say a prayer and tell everyone you know to say a prayer! Pray that whatever is wrong with him can be fixed. I believe in the power of prayer! I need it just as much as my daddy does. I haven't felt this helpless in a long time, and it sucks & it hurts!

So, thank you for all the well wishes & prayers so far! They are each and every one greatly appreciated! I love you all & I will keep you updated. Hopefully, tomorrow I will know more!


2008 is over, and I am almost one month into 2009...It is when you are torn between being glad that a year is over, and being grateful that it happened, and that you are still alive to relive it in your mind...

2008 began with Tim going to AIT for his medic training after having only been home from Basic Training for about 2 weeks. Not long after he left for Texas, I discovered that I was pregnant with #4. I had many, many mixed feelings. Joy, uncertainty, fear...I was 34-years old, not in the best of health, not the most patient person in the world, and going through one hell of a hard time...So, I did what I do best. I sucked it up, and kept going. Being a "single parent" again sucked. I was raising 3 kids, working full-time, going to school full-time and packing up an entire house, all while being ridiculously sick from being pregnant. It was good times.

I packed up our whole house basically all alone, scraped up the money to hire some guys to move all my stuff to a storage building, and moved in with my mom. From February to June, that is what I did. I kept it together for the most part. I worked until May, went to doctor's appointments, still had school full-time and took care of the kids.

Tim came home at the end of April after graduating from AIT. Up to this point, we STILL didn't know where the Army was going to send us. We had been given the very unfortunate news that we were going to Oklahoma, and I cried for a week. I mean, what the hell is in Oklahoma?! That didn't last long, though. Tim's final orders were for Ft. Carson, Colorado...Just when I thought it couldn't get ANY worse, I should have realized...THINGS CAN ALWAYS, ALWAYS be worse!!!!! This time, I only cried for a day or two. I mean, what are you gonna do?! However, the more I thought about it, the more petrified I became...

1,700 miles away from the only home you have EVER known is a long, long way! My supporters were mixed. Some sympathized & cried with me. A few told me to grow the hell up, stop feeling sorry for myself & embrace the adventure! Secretly, in my mind, I told them all to go to hell!!!!! For the most part, I just tried to keep on keeping on, and pretend that this was all a bad dream, and if I pushed it to the back of my mind long enough, it would go away. WRONG!!!!!

Tim left for Colorado at the beginning of May, reported in, and began the process of learning his job & finding a place for me & the kids to live. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was NOT coming to Colorado until I had a place to live, cable & internet. If I had to move to the deepest pits of hell, I was at least going to be technologically connected to the only place that will ever be home to me. While he was doing his thing in Colorado, I was still pretending that I wasn't going anywhere. I hung out with my sisters, did lunch with my friends, took the kids to Pullen Park.....Ang & Stasia (my BFF's) threw a baby shower for me on June 1st.

But then that day came in June when Tim showed back up in North Carolina, and I had to pack up my little room at my mom's and drive half-way across the country to a place that I just couldn't comprehend. We went to Winston-Salem to say goodbye to Tim's family. We did dinner at Golden Corral with my family. While sitting there, I looked around at everyone eating, talking, laughing and realized that that was the last time for I didn't know how long that we would all be in the same room together. It was a hard, hard moment for me and I couldn't help a few tears filling my eyes and trickling down my cheeks. Even now, as I type this, that feeling is so vivid and I am crying now. I quickly wiped the tears away, took a deep breath and pulled myself together. Man, it was hard to do, though.

The day before we left, I had lunch at Chili's in Wake Forest, NC with Ang & Stasia. We didn't talk about my leaving. We had lunch & a good time. We took a few pictures, and that was that. The night before we left, I said goodbye to my daddy, my sister, Heather & Brandon. THAT was hard. My heart hadn't hurt so badly since my Mema & Alex died...The next day, I said goodbye to my mom. I waited to start crying until she couldn't see me anymore, and then I cried freely...

It was a long, long trip. We drove for 3 days. We stopped overnight twice. The kids were actually pretty good, which was a blessing to me, because my nerves were shot! The drive was also very pretty. Although I am a beach girl, 100%, the mountains hold a weird fascination for me. Even crazier to me, was the obsession I developed with clouds, ESPECIALLY in Kansas ~ which, by the way, is a long-ass state! I realized while photographing about 100 different cloud scenes, that I wanted to take up photography. I took some AWESOME pictures!

When we crossed over the border into Colorado, I thought I was going to hyperventilate. I guess it really hit me then that I wasn't home anymore, and that I wasn't going to be for God knew how long. It was a DEVASTATING realization, but I think I hid it very well.

We got on base, and got to our new "home," and were immediately bombarded by the neighbors. All I wanted to do was go inside and go to sleep, and sleep until it was time to go back to North Carolina. Instead, I stood there & talked to the new neighbors until they politely let us go, took what we needed into the house, did my inspection, and then I don't really remember....That July 4th was the first time I can EVER remember NOT being with my family!!!!!

So, fast forward to August...The house was in order, Nicki had gotten settled into school and it was time for Dylan to come. I came close to death twice, I survived. Dylan was healthy & handsome. Life went on.

September, October & November went by. My father-in-law unexpectedly died. No Halloween with my sisters & my neices. No Thanksgiving @ my mama's & my daddy's. December came and we decided that (with a little help from some angels) that we were going home for 2 weeks for Christmas/New Year's. We drove straight through, left Friday night @ 9 PM and got to my mama's around 7:30 AM on Sunday morning. THAT was an exhausting drive. The time went by WAY too fast, and then we drove back to Colorado. It wasn't as hard to leave this time, but what was the use in getting upset?!

So, what did I get out of 2008?

* Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to HORRIBLE people! We
may NEVER, EVER know why this happens. However, I know in my heart that God has a
REALLY good reason for allowing this to happen, even if I cannot comprehend it!
* I found out who my TRUE friends are, and it really hurt to know I had been duped!
* I was blessed with another little miracle to add to my family.
* I realized for probably the millionth time in my life that I am a lot stronger
than I think I am.
* I realized that I am NOT ready to die yet....
* I realized how short life is, and that there isn't time to "get it together"
tomorrow. You have to do it today!!!
* I am always going to be who I am, and I need to learn to accept that & stop trying
to be perfect.
* I will NEVER take for granted again any time that I am allowed to spend with my
family & friends back home in the future, because you never know when it might be
the last time!
* I want to go to the beach at least ONCE in North Carolina this summer!
* I have lost myself over the years, and I have to work harder to get back to me!
* I was wallowing in self-pity and misery because it was better to have people
feeling sorry for me than to have to buck up & deal with life!
* People who really love you care all the time, not just when they want to or when
it's convenient for them.
* People who truly love you don't hurt you intentionally, and when they do, they
take it to heart and try not to do it again.

So, I am going to make a conscious effort to make sure 2009 is better than 2008! I mentioned in an earlier blog that I was going to conduct my "butterfly experiment."

Flashback: [Recently, the thought has occurred to me to pretend like each one of these forgotten memories is a caterpillar in a cocoon. Then, I will imagine the cocoons opening up & these BEAUTIFUL butterflies emerge and fly away, each one taking a forgotten memory with them. Just let them go! I feel that I would then be somewhat at peace. So, I have decided that I am going to try that...]

I did it, and the result was...It worked & it didn't work. I realized that some memories will be forgotten and, if they are, they are meant to be forgotten. Some memories you can never get rid of no matter how hard you try...Sometimes this is a good thing & sometimes it's a bad thing. Recently, I thought how wonderful it would be to go back to certain times and relive certain memories from my past. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that if I were able to go back, I would probably make the same mistakes over again. Or worse...I would choose a different path, and the end result would be even worse than the original outcome! So, it's definitely a good thing that we can't go back...

If you get nothing else out of this blog, PLEASE get this:

When it doesn't rain it snows
Yeah the cookie crumbles but in whose hand?
All things said and all things done
Life is short

Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty's too short

Ooooh could this be....
Ooooh could this be the day I've waited for?

Another door to peek in through
The floor is filthy
But the couch is clean
At the end of the day
That's another day gone
Life is short....Ooo life is short

Could this be....
Could this be the day I've waited for?

Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba...

Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done
Oh I am young but I have a past
Travelled far to find the start
Yes I am scared and I've been burnt
But life is short

Could this be...
Could this be the day I've waited for?

Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba...

15 Things To Remember...

1. You should not confuse
your career with your life.

2. No matter what happens,
somebody will find a way
to take it too serious.

3. When trouble arises
and things look bad,
there is always one individual
who perceives a solution
and is willing to take command.
Very often that person is crazy.

4. Nobody cares if you dance well.
Just get up and dance.

5. Never, ever, ever
lick a steak knife.

6. Take out the fortune
before you eat the cookie.

7. One of the most powerful
forces in the universe is gossip.

8. You will never find anyone
who can give you a clear
and compelling reason why
we observe daylight savings time.

9. There comes a time
when you should stop
expecting other people
to make a big deal
out of your birthday.
That time is age eleven.

10. The one thing that unites
all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status or ethnic background,
is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe we are
above average drivers.

11. The main accomplishment
of almost all organized protests
is to annoy the people
who are not in them.

12. A person who is nice to you
but rude to a waiter
is not a nice person.

13. Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative
at the same time.

14. There is a fine line between

15. If you want something to happen,
Start a rumor.

~~ Author Unknown ~~
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