Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Continuation of "I wonder why..." ~ VERY, VERY long!

Okay, so I didn't finish this the next day...LIFE...always getting in the way! I sort of lost my train of thought on this, so if I deviate, I apologize in advance. I'm very random anyway, as those of you close to me can attest to. I go off on my own little tangents, and before you know it, I can't even remember the point I was trying to make and I just give up!

Back to the topic at hand...R-E-G-R-E-T-S! I have so many...as I am sure most of you reading this do. As I am in the process of "healing," I felt compelled to acknowledge some of the "NOT MY BEST" moments. Am I ashamed of them? To an extent. But more than shame, I feel sadness. I wouldn't change any of the things that happened in my past, as they have made me who I am today. However, I do wish some of my experiences had been handled in a different manner. In hindsight, I wish I had had the wisdom of what I know now and just kept my big mouth shut. I have a tendency to spout off whatever is on my mind. More often than not, the words that leave my lips are words that PROBABLY should have been left unsaid. I often speak without thought or care as to how my words come across or who they hurt. I haven't always been this way. There was a time in my life where I was very thoughtful, considerate, and **GASP** kind! Sadly, when you have been screwed over and let down as many times as I have, you cannot help but harden. So, along with learning to heal, I am *trying* to learn how to "melt."

So, where do I begin?! Much of my life, the good as well as the bad, has been pushed deep into the bottomless abyss of my mind. I imagine those memories are there ~ SOMEWHERE. Yet, no matter how hard I try, there are many, many things that I cannot recall. Perhaps I don't want it enough, preferring instead to keep it hidden inside where I don't have to deal with it. That would be easier. Recently, the thought has occurred to me to pretend like each one of these forgotten memories is a caterpillar in a cocoon. Then, I will imagine the cocoons opening up & these BEAUTIFUL butterflies emerge and fly away, each one taking a forgotten memory with them. Just let them go! I feel that I would then be somewhat at peace. So, I have decided that I am going to try that...I will let you know how it goes...

I have made many, many bad choices in the relationship department in the past. WOW! Each relationship & encounter changed me in some way ~ some for the best, some for the worse. I wish almost all of them had never happened, but fortunately, I don't have to go back and worry about it now. What matters now is that I am married to a wonderful, FABULOUS husband and father!!! He is, without a doubt, the best thing that ever happened to me! As they say, everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't made the past choices that I made, I wouldn't have found Tim! So, thank you to all those bad relationship choices!

F*R*I*E*N*D*S ~ I have made & lost some good friends on my journey! To some of those that I have lost, I say good riddance. Others...I miss & wish that I could find you again. Maybe some day. Here is a poem I got from one of my best friends, Stasia:

Remember me this way

Every now and then we find a special friend

who never lets us down

who understands it all

reaches out each time we fall

You're the best friend that I've found

I know you can't stay

A part of you will never ever go away

your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you

and hope it will come true

that love will be so kind

to such a gentle mind

if you lose your way

think back on yesterday

remember me this way

hmm... remember me this way

I don't need eye's to see the love you bring to me

no matter where I go and I know that you'll be there

forever more apart of time you're everywhere

I'll always care

I'll make a wish for you

and hope it will come true

that love

will just be kind to just a gentle mind

If you lose your way look back on yesterday

remember me this way hmm.....

remember me this way

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you

I'll be standing by your side and all you do

and I won't ever leave as long as

you believe... you just believe

So, I will remember these beautiful people who have touched my life ~ some have stayed and will always stay, some are gone & I will never get them back, some I will one day find again. All have touched my life in some way, and for that, I am grateful!

I imagine one of my biggest regrets and one that I think about often...Jaci. More often than not, I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. I guess the problem is that sometimes words are misinterpreted. One can have the best of intentions, but if the person isn't on the same page as you are, or has a different point of view, things can get twisted. Sometimes I feel that it is hopeless to keep trying with her, but I am not a quitter. I feel like I cannot give up! I keep trying to repair the fragile relationship that she & I had. I am hoping that one day, Jaci will allow herself to forgive me for what it is that she feels that I have done. So many times, I want to write to her and tell her how I feel & how I wish things could be.

But alas, I don't know if my efforts will EVER make a difference. I don't know what drives her, what motivates her to do the things she does. I have tried to understand. I have BEEN in her shoes. I don't think she realizes how good she has it. Shaelyn has a father who actually gives a crap about her! There are so many children whose father's don't pay child support & who don't ever try to see them. Brandon & Nicole are a PRIME example of this!!! I wish I could make her understand. I wish I could force her to be GRATEFUL that she has Tim's help. He only wants what is best for Shaelyn. He actually wants to HELP Jaci, and we WOULD help her more if she would just be NICE!

Sunday (December 14th, 2008), Jaci wouldn't let Tim talk to Shaelyn on the phone. She hasn't received her child support check of $82.72 (like it's our fault that it got lost in the mail), so she told Tim he couldn't talk to Shaelyn until she got it. That is just one example of how I wish she would appreciate the help that Tim & I try to give her! I mean, Nicki's dad NEVER gives me money, but I still let him talk to her...I still let him see her. Does she hate Tim SO much?! Does she hurt inside that much?! Does it have something to do with ME?! I would NEVER, EVER do that unless Tim were like Brandon's father. He hasn't seen nor had any kind of contact with Brandon since he was 2 years old. He turned 16 on December 10th. If he called me right now, although I don't know how he could since he doesn't have my number, I would NEVER in a hundred million years let him talk to Brandon. Now THAT would be understandable! But to deny a father who has ALWAYS tried so hard to be a good father where Shaelyn is concerned, and to get along with her mother, and do what is best for Shaelyn with NO regard to himself...That just doesn't make any sense. Maybe one day she will realize that these things are only hurting Shaelyn. We want to get along with Jaci. *I* want to be friends with Jaci, for her to share all the things with us that we miss by being so far away from Shaelyn without having to beg for them, to be able to share those things with her and she actually CARE!!! Maybe one day I will get that. Maybe not. However, I have decided that I am going to live my life like "The Donkey In The Farmer's Well" parable:

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well that the farmer had accidentally left uncovered. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Sometimes, I feel like I am climbing a never-ending mountain with Jaci...

"So Small"
Carrie Underwood

Yeah, Yeah

[Verse 1]
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

[Verse 2]
It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Yeah, Yeah

I want things to change. I want things to get better. Some will call me crazy for caring, and maybe I am. But, I don't think I will ever give up the hope deep down that things WILL change between Jaci & I for the better! I don't think there is anything wrong with hoping. Some may say that hope is futile, and to some, it may very well be. Not to me, though! That would be the best thing in the whole wide world for Shaelyn!

If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to your
mountain, "MOVE!" and it WILL move... and NOTHING will be
impossible for YOU!
- Matthew 17:20
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